Category Archives: Rants

3 Ways Being an MMA is Easier Than Being Pregnant

#1 – Being a legit MMA Fighter makes you LESS likely to get in fights outside the gym.

Training as a legit MMA fighter takes A LOT of time & physical/mental energy & when you spend that much time getting punched & kicked & thrown around & choked, the LAST thing you feel like doing is spending any energy fighting the idiot who cut you off or stole you weight bench. Being a legit MMA fighter makes you more mellow bc you know that you could most likely kick the shit out of 90% of the people who would try to pick a fight with you & you so develop a silent confidence & therefore let things slide. You have nothing to prove.

On the other side of this coin is the irrational, unpredictable pregnancy irritation that could become a blind rage in .2 seconds. Being pregnant gives you zero tolerance for anyone’s bullshit bc everything you do is an exhausting struggle – be that physical or mental. Being pregnant means at any given time you are 3/4 of the way to telling someone to get the f*ck away from you, to back the f*ck off, or to smarten the f*ck up (you say “f*ck” a lot while pregnant, it’s a fact). Add to this the fact that you are/were a legit MMA fighter: you are now a weapon of mass destruction primed to go off at any moment & to restrain this takes immense energy, focus, will & sugar, which in the end only adds to your irritation.

#2 – Being a legit MMA fighter gets you in wicked shape & so you get to enjoy feeling like a sexy beast.

It takes so many hours of ridiculously hard work to get prepared for a legit MMA fight & the physiological response is usually to drop body fat. The benefit of being in the best shape of your life is that you LOOK like you’re in the best shape of your life & you get to walk around knowing that your bulging muscle & obvious athletic prowess is appealing (even if only to you) but also terrifying. Being in fighting shape is the ultimate Alpha expression & you’ll feel it…even if the rest of the world doesn’t.

In stark contrast we have pregnancy.

As a legit MMA fighter, being pregnant means you’re in the worst shape of your life & most horribly, not bc you chose this (in the sense of quitting exercise/healthy food), but bc mother nature & evolution are sneaky bitches. You cannot outsmart them & you cannot outwork them. Being pregnant means that even if you eat well & workout you will gain weight (as you should). You get slower & bigger & softer & the Alpha feeling gets replaced with the Zeta feeling: a word I made up that means you’re at the end of the alphabet bc you probably feel so hideous & unfamiliar to yourself. And if you weren’t so exhausted from pregnancy induced insomnia you’d work out at 4am so you could avoid having to even see people in such a condition bc their lack of fear is also irritating. Also, bc it helps you avoid getting in fights.

#3 – Being a legit MMA fighter, especially female fighter, means people are afraid to talk to you.

It doesn’t matter how friendly & nice you actually are, if people know that you’re an MMA fighter & you also have the physique of a legit athlete, most people are intimidated by you. My experience has been that muscular women are scary in our society; add to that the fighter bit & you are an outright freak of nature. This can be really annoying, however, you can be assured that people WILL NOT say really stupid/offensive things to you (except about your muscles). They also will NEVER touch you bc they’re already convinced that you might attack them. So this perception of you, no matter how false, helps prevent people from pissing you off and/or offending you, bc they have the common sense to only say such things behind your back.

And then we have pregnancy; the time of your life when EVERYONE has an opinion about EVERYTHING about you. Your body, your weight, your overall size, what you’re wearing, what you’re eating, & worst of all they TOUCH you. Now if you’ve been paying attention you can see that so far along we have a highly irritated, most likely irrational woman that is unbearably uncomfortable with inevitable changes of pregnancy & then someone is going to comment on her changing shape & size & then follow up with trying to touch her growing belly!! It’s a disaster. To go from one extreme to the other is paralyzing bc it is such a strain to not tell people to f*ck off that it hurts your face. Like you haven’t noticed all these changes & the fact that your everything has muffin-top & your everything hurts & your everything is retaining water & your everything doesn’t fit you & everything has suddenly started to feel 20x harder to do (like stairs, putting on your pants, putting on your shoes, breathing, being alive in general etc).

Now bear in mind this is only my experience & there are plenty of great things about being pregnant (or so they say…just kidding…not really) but I thought I’d share some of my thoughts.

I’m sure I’ll add to this list.

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Imma O.G.

I recently read an article about how people are “perplexed” by women with muscle.

Here is the link: http://theconversation.com/why-do-we-find-muscular-women-wildly-perplexing-21846

There are a few things I don’t agree with about the article (how it was written) but as a female with more muscle than the average female, I can attest to being treated a bit differently due to other females finding my muscularity intimidating.

For a long time I chalked this up to me being paranoid & narcissistic, but last year I gained a new co-worker, who accompanies me to various meetings around the community & has, therefore, received countless comments & questions about my physique after I leave the room. From strangers & my own co-workers. People don’t want to ask me, perhaps they think it’s rude. In reality, I think it’s ruder to steal sideways glances & to have me catch you staring at me & then NOT say something.

It doesn’t bother me though, I actually like it. If my purpose in life were to blend in I’d buy a hairbrush, straighten my ‘fro & would only have hide-able tattoos. I also probably wouldn’t have chosen to engage in hand-to-hand combat with another chick in a cage or ring in front of hundreds (or more) people for fun.

I’d actually be more offended by people NOT noticing my physique, because I have put an unbelievable amount of work into building the mass I have. Like it or hate it – this body took a lot, & I mean A LOT, of work.

And when you’re standing across from someone who wants to punch & choke you into submission, looking intimidating isn’t a bad thing. When I’d put on the extra weight to build some more muscle, I had to have a mantra to deal with the fact that my pants didn’t fit right & that my muffin top was more like a tiered cake, that mantra was that I was wanted my physique to scare the shit out of my opponents. Even though an impressive physique does not win you fights nor represent cardiac conditioning, endurance or strength (contrary to popular belief) I still wanted to look like I could smash.

So this brings me to my original inspiration for this post: chicks at the gym who won’t smile back at me bc they’re intimated by my physique & my work ethic. I used to take this personally, like I must be doing something “bitchy” so I often go out of my way to smile at other females at the gym bc I am not insecure. If you’re thinner or prettier or fitter – I’m cool with that. I applaud your work. I am not threatened by that, but many females get freaky competitive & so I think the assumption is that I am going to be that way.

But when I smile at some of these females, they won’t smile back! I give them a few attempts but if you throw down the bitch vibe, I’m going to go Alpha Female on your ass & then we can’t be gym friendly. Offer is now off the table. And if you’re throwing in a glare, which the person who inspired this rant does, then I really gotta up the Alpha just to make sure you understand the pecking order..as well as the fact that, while I never would, I very well could, literally, throw you face first into a wall.

What is my point? Nothing – I’m just getting really sick of this attitude I continuously encounter at the gym.

I don’t want to hang out & discuss Paleo recipes, or whatever bullshit you’re into, I just figure if we’re going to share space 3-4 days a week, we can say, “Hey” & smile & then get on with things.

But in the event that you want to glare at me, regardless of whatever your ridiculous she-problems are, you best be prepared for me to go O.G. on you (Original Gangster/Original Gym-Goer). I have been going to the gym for about 12 years (the high school years were a joke but I was still there & want the credit) & there are certain rules you abide by & that includes not giving the shit-eye to the OG’s of the gym just bc they lift more than you & your boyfriend combined.

End of rant.

Rant: I’m Going To Kick Your Face

This is a rant. That is your warning.

I don’t consider myself a whiner.

As a child, my dad was very adamant about my sister & I not being whiners, & more importantly, that we not grow up to be whiners. We were expected to be tough. My dad was very tough; in fact, I witnessed first hand my dad splitting fire wood & having a piece of wood go straight through the palm of his hand. He stood there staring at my sister & I, with this piece of wood hanging through his hand & simply said, “Get your stuff together, we need to go to the hospital.” Well, he probably blurted out a few profanities prior to that phrase, but you get the gist of it.

My dad set the bar pretty high when it came to being tough. Further, as I got older, I realized one of the best ways to impress my dad was to be tough….or at least fake it.

As an adult I naturally embodied this trait, as did my sister, & one of the ways this trait was expressed was through a very high threshold for physical pain & discomfort.

However, what has come to be quite annoying, yet totally my fault, is that I manage my pain without much discussion or complaint because to do so solves nothing. What is annoying is that people tend to assume that because I’m not laying at home crying into a hankie & making Facebook posts about how much pain I’m in, that it must not be that bad or severe or detrimental to my life.

Once I announced the severity of my injury & that it was forcing me to step back from competitive MMA, the comments started flooding in. People trying to be helpful. Trust me, I understand the motive. But it’s getting old.

I have a serious injury to my hip. It may require surgery to fix. Surgery will cause premature arthritis because they have to cut through the capsule of my hip to reach the labrum, which may or may not be torn. I will not know until I get in to see a specialist, & I have no idea when that will be.

So this brings me to the rant:

Here’s some education: my hip, much like your hip, is connected to my back & my leg. So when you try to give me advice about “great exercises” I could do that won’t hurt my hip DO NOT TELL ME TO FUCKING SQUAT.

Unless you have figured out some new-fangled, bio-mechanically advanced way to squat, which DOES NOT involve your hip, I CANNOT  SQUAT!

Do not try to make me feel better about not being able to wrestle by telling me that I could go for a run. UNLESS you have figured out how to run without using your hip. If you have, then you should get in touch with the person who invented the no-hip-squat because you guys have a revolutionary training plan taking shape.

If it requires your leg, then it causes me pain. You know what that includes? Let me explain this:

When I stand on one leg to put my pants on – that hurts.

When I push the clutch of my car in – that hurts.

When I sit – that hurts.

When I stand – that hurts too.

When I walk – that hurts.

It will also hurt when I kick you in the face for making RIDICULOUS suggestions to me.

If you know me, you should know that I am quite educated in the realm of health & fitness & that I have employed the help of people with the abbreviations “Dr.” in front of their name to assist me in working with this injury, so I do not require unsolicited advice on this issue.

And while I appreciate that people feel the need to offer their idea of “help” because they feel bad for me, I beg you to reconsider spouting any of this crap because it is insulting & because I didn’t step away from something I’ve poured every ounce of myself into because I have a little bit of pain.

I pushed myself to the point of experiencing a debilitating, spirit crushing pain that was present ALL of the time. It kept me awake, it was there all day & all night. There was not one single motion I could do without experiencing the pain.

And I know that no one could POSSIBLY know this, because I am not a whiner & because I kept doing stuff long after I should have been, but I walked away from MMA because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to walk anywhere.

And if that makes you sad, then I get it, but don’t try to make yourself feel better by making ridiculous suggestions to me. It probably means you’re one of those people who can’t just “listen” when someone is going through stuff. You are a “fixer” & it is annoying. So stop it. Don’t be uncomfortable with other people’s turmoil. So this is also a public service – people don’t need you to fix their problems & if they do, they will give you a HUGE CLUE. Want to know what it is? They will say, “What should I do?”

I know. This is mind-blowing psycho-emotional insight here. I might be changing your life.

This isn’t for those of you who have had legitimate conversations with me about this topic. For those who have listened respectfully & intently to self-pity or angst, I am very grateful. But for all of ‘you’ who don’t know what to say but yet feel the need to say something, or who have over-heard me having a legit conversation with someone, & who feel the need to add their input: all you need to say to me, if you must say something, is this: “That really fucking sucks.” And I will smile & say, “Yes it does. But I’m okay.”

And then I will go & do my ridiculous rehab exercises that are NOT squats or running or jumping.